The Remarriage “Sex Talk” for Guys and Gals!

Remarriage Sex Talk

Sex is an incredible gift to be enjoyed. It can also be neglected if not nurtured to meet the needs of one another.

Men – It’s usually the physical side but honestly, it’s better for us when we know our woman is connecting with us that really turns us on!  We’re more like microwaves – push our button and we are ready to go.

Women – It’s usually the mental side of the sex of being prized as your mans one and only that really gets you going that allows you to engage in the physical aspect…We like to be slow-cooked…gets us dialed in and we will show you a good time!

Your bedroom is a good thermometer as to how the rest of your relationship is going. If there are issues you are not addressing outside of your bedroom, the buck will stop there.

•  Keep short accounts (keep lines of communication open with trust and honesty)
•  Don’t be a poser (be yourself!)
•  Don’t hide behind the demands of the kids, work, or life.
•  Keep your emotional channels of communication clear. If you don’t, it will all come back to bite you, in the bedroom. No one wins in the end.

In Ginger Kolbaba’a’s book, Surprised by Remarriage, she shares 8 points that remarried couples should be aware of when it comes to their sex life.  Here are 4 of them with our added comments:

1. Talk about sex – “Sex is a form of communication” share your heart as well as how you felt – (Women…believe it or not your man needs to know he has satisfied you) – Guys need to know they have “conquered the hill” so to say but things you like or dislike is part of a loving sexual relationship so both can enjoy and be comfortable from this deepest aspect of marriage life.

2. Kids kill spontaneity – Kids can kill spontaneity – (we say put a lock on your door plus …ya got 5 minutes?) Knowing your privacy is secure and understood is so important.  Take time to enjoy whenever possible.

3. Make foreplay an all-day event – On this issue, guys, learn her love language (www.5lovelanguages.com) and become fluent with what communicates the fact that she is loved and cherished. It’s not all about the sex; her strongest sex organ is her mind. Foreplay is getting her excited mentally for the “play.” Your part is to be “nice to the girl,” genuinely from the heart. There are so many different ways to communicate throughout the day: texting, email, and the old-fashioned ways of talking on the phone or leaving notes for each other.

Ladies, are you being his “girlfriend” throughout the day? Would you want to come home to you?

4. Know when to seek counseling – Sex is a huge act of trust! If an ex had an affair, the ability to trust could be affecting your remarriage bedroom. Deep and intense pain is usually something that people need help working through. Sexual issues are no different; therefore, they seek sound counseling and accountability to achieve healing. Some backtracking is not to be taken personally but a matter of empathy that can make room for healing and health for the long haul.

Ladies, it’s ok to initiate romance yourself! Take a risk and buy something new to surprise your man. I haven’t personally found any negligees’ in flannel, but who cares! They don’t stay on very long anyway!

What’s his favorite color (in lingerie)? Don’t let your “less than the perfect body” stop you from showing off what you have. Ladies, (from Gil) it’s not so much that you are a size “perfect,” but that you willingly allow your sensuality to be expressed. Another tip I (Brenda) learned; keep your underwear “in good repair.” Match your bra and panties too! Of course, this is a personal preference! Talk about it.

And guys, tell your woman she is beautiful. Sometimes women forget we are beautiful after a day when we’ve had spit upon us, driven 100 miles in a carpool or have been working 12-hour days.

Have you been exposed to a healthy discussion about sex while laughing at yourself? Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage (www.laughyourway.com) is a fun way to enrich, as well as strengthen, your marriage.  Issues other than sex are also addressed in this presentation that is available in person with Mark Gungor, live video presentations or DVDs that you can watch at home together.

The “Keys to Incredible Sex” segment of the presentation unfolds right and wrong approaches to sex that men and women can relate to. Mark takes a quick census of how women see exclusiveness, its affect on how they view sex, and how the issue of pornography intrudes into the bedroom.  

Another way to address this topic is “what sex is or is not.”  First, sex is not cybersex or viewing pornography – come on, guys, (and ladies), this statement should go without saying. It continues to amaze me (Gil) how many marriages are breaking up or existing as men and women are imposters to their spouses. I guess if things aren’t going well in your relationship, having a virtual partner works; they don’t talk back or disagree with you. But what happens when the person who is viewing porn finds this isn’t as fulfilling anymore? They can move on to the real thing, have affairs, and/or develop other unhealthy associations or habits.

Sexual addiction or being a prisoner to your self-gratification sexually, is not self-expression of love, to yourself or your wife/husband. You promised to keep yourself pure and give yourself to no other…do you recall that “commitment” in your vows? And, ladies, you are not off the hook either. The number of women lost in the fantasy of porn is on the rise. Romantic novels and daytime television have helped propel women into this hole. Take TV, for example. A simple kiss or a hug seen on TV years ago would have made us blush. The sexual innuendos and outright soft porn have seen today on prime time TV are accepted as normal and expected. We even have ratings for the levels of “normalcy.”

Pornographers have actually added more emotion to their storylines to attract women. Women are more sensitive to the emotion and relationships in the stories and men are caught up in the images they see. It is packaged to be very alluring. Society, whether you are in or out of the church, has bought the lie that porn is ok; it doesn’t hurt anyone. Think again.

Next, sex is not masturbation!  Since when is your hand more sensual than your woman’s body? Your wife’s body parts were designed for your (just the two of you) exclusive pleasure.  

My point here is that men generally and women to some extent, can be pulled into a prison of false security that does not require them to be emotionally engaged with one another. Two of the highest forms of selfishness are to ignore this issue of sex or use it as a weapon to get your way.  Both motivations are unhealthy and if either were in your experience from the past, take action to change an old habit.  Sexual expression in marriage is for connecting at the deepest level relationally not manipulation to get your way.

Putting the past in the past truthfully is easier said than done, so our recommendation is to get clear of misconceptions immediately. Building trust in the bedroom is foundational. Hazards of comparisons are traps and choosing not to fall into them may need intentional effort. Focus on “it’s about us now!”  

Realize that healing deeply in areas of sexuality will call upon you to offer forgiveness to yourself or your spouse or whoever caused hurt. Do not withdraw. Sexual issues are connected to the core of a person. Rifts in the soul and personality, when encountering these deep issues, can extract anger, fear, discomfort, insecurity and one’s most important ability to trust.

I (Gil) acknowledge that after gaining perspective and healing in these sensitive areas, the sexual experience got even better. It was like I was opening a box of TNT (dynamite) in a dark room with a lit match.

To me, it was a choice better left in the box than taking the risk to explore (trust) my heart to Brenda. Would I find new freedom by getting close enough to the TNT to know if it would explode? I found that TNT (Trusting Naked Truth) in the here and now could explode, but the risk outweighed the chances taken to connect even deeper emotionally in the present marriage. This new marriage is just that, new! It is what you make it be and if you allow the past to leak into the present, you lose twice.

Past choices and experiences will interface with the deepest desire a couple of shares – that of exclusiveness that was dashed against the rocks of divorce. Now, in remarriage “trust and honesty” are being rebuilt. This is not the time to get stuck in what was, but enjoy what is!  Bonding sexually is a life-long process between a husband and wife. We are both made differently; physically and emotionally. It will take a lifetime to figure each other out if that is even possible. This should keep things exciting and always new! Rebuilding this important area of your life takes time and if the attitude is one of, “I’m not going anywhere,” then relax and enjoy the journey.

Getting away to make time for the fun factor or shared recreation is as important as making time for “Making Out.” The effects of friendship in marriage truly show respect and admiration for one another. At risk of repeating myself (Gil), do you know one another’s Love Language (Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts and Words of Affirmation)? Can you name the top two without a second thought or having to ask your spouse? If not, you have some homework.

Friends know that about one another, and lovers are better lovers because “sex is” an extension of loving the person at all levels possible. Let me put it this way, the more aspects you learn about one another or explore together, a deeper connection you’ll share with your spouse; the better the sex. Yes, prayer, i.e., the spiritual facet, is the deepest connection possible because it is here that a person will be the most vulnerable.  

Now, go “pray”.  And remember what we always say: “if you ain’t got the marriage, you ain’t got nothin’.”